8.9.05

The Sky's Falling

So I'm not a hurricane victem, but emotionally I feel devastated, perhaps not to the extent that they are, but perhaps similar. I feel as if there's no ground beneath my feet, as if my head is spinning 'round and 'round, like I have no future, as if my past was just a story told to me, not actually experienced. It's weird to be back here, at home, the one place I feel moderately grounded, but it feels lacking because I experienced things, met people, made new best friends while I was abroad, and while one goes to my school and I see her occasionally, I desperately miss the daily, constant contact of these people that I imtimately shared my life with. For five months I knew exactly who i was. I never questioned my place or my actions within my group. Now I'm here and for some reason incrediably lost. Actually I kind of get the lostness. I was one person before I left. I was myself while I was gone. Now that I'm home I'm having to reconcile those two things. It's hard. Especially since three of my best friends all went abroad together in another country and don't seem to have really changed at all. So I suppose that's why I burst into tears tonight because my little sister was too drunk to really care about the birthday present I got her. No big deal. It was her 21st. She's supposed to be drunk. I guess I cling too much to such material things. If I were her, I would have kept track of that bag all night, especially if I liked it as much as she seemed to and if I knew it meant as much to her as it meant to me that she like it. But she always seems to find other things, other people, to focus on. No big deal. My fault I suppose. But around certain people she changes into a completely different person, a person I don't like very much. My little sister, the cameleon. Maybe I'll get a new one, one who'll love me.

1 Comments:

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8 septembre 2005 à 23:35  

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